Q & A Interview with the House Chairman

This syndicated publication would like to know who you are. Could you tell us a little bit about yourself?

I am the Ekwueme 1, Iyi 1, Oshimiri 1, Ego Obara 1 of Ezidinma Village in the city of Mgborogwu. I am also the Osuohia 1 and Nwakaraka of the Ahia Mgbede Group of Companies. And also, to let you know, I know men of high places.

Gosh! What the hell are you talking about? I asked about your 'humble' beginnings; things like, say, where were you born, your family background, etc. Can you tell me about it, please?

I attended cosmocollagial Akirika university. I have First School Leaving Certificate; West African School Certificate; High School Certificate; BSc Hons, Otimpku Market; A London Diploma in Fishology; MA Imanjakiri Square; PhD Talkology and another PhD in Clearing and Forwarding. I also run paralegal errands. And I teach Mbamara at Zik Ekwuo Aru University. Do you have more questions to ask me? I don't know what is wrong with you people who don't respect we the chiefs, the omemgbeojis of alaigbo.

Answer my question. What's your origin?

Do you know who I am? Where did you go to school? Have you built a house? Look if you know who I am you will not ask me all these rubbish questions. Ask Chief Nkolo who I am. Ask Lolo Urembaukwu who I am. Ask Barrister Nshi Umuagbarandi who I am. When they tell you who I am you will fear me. As Osuohia, I will clear your village. I am Onukwu Eze Obodo 1 of Nkwo Ndi Na Elo Gari Village of Obodo Ocha. I conquered onye ocha, and my grandfather, the Mbuzo of Obodo Ocha, took all the land where he built mbari, now a historical monument. I have spoken to presidents and royals of all nations.

Ok, now I see, you are from Obodo Ocha. At least, you are now making some sense. So, what are you doing with all these titles in an era the whole world is changing? Is it still relevant?

Yes it is. Mrs.-m, get me some nkwobi and make sure you add plenty, plenty ugbakala and okporoko' and some tombo liquor, too (calls 'lolo' for a bowl of nkwobi dish and palmwine and laughter all over...). You know (as he eats his nkwobi), you little men of no title don't respect me who have built mansions in ozara, ikpa, and elu-ugwu in alaigbo. I have fleet of cars -- danfo, nnabe krota, nze benz, and for your information, nd'ahia alanshi just gave me another title, the Uzo Ukwu of Nd'Aru.

So, why are you telling me all these stuff that has nothing to do with building bridges?

You see what I have been saying? Are you one of those that parade around to say the government is not doing well? Are you one of those that keep talking bad things about ahia mgbede? Are you one of those that sit down and say we chop, chop, chop and chop? Look, my friend, the governor is my best friend, the president is my buddy, we go to the whore houses together with bags of money full to the brim. Now shut up!

I will not. I have the right to free speech. Let me ask you, who is the local government chairman of your remote village?

His name is Dr. Nwagbaraochandigele Gburugburu and he is my friend. I helped elect him so he gives me a lot of dash and we also go to point and kill in Abuja where women bokwu. Too many women and I always carry my tube. These are wild women and it is dangerous out there, you know...Don't ask me any question about Biafra.

What is point and kill?

Ahaa...you see, I told you I am the alpha and omega and I do go places, dine and wine with royals and presidents. Point and kill is a fish place where only the rich go to pick up a fish and it will be fried on the spot along with nkwu elu.

That's a fish market. Why is it a big deal?

It is ndi ji ego that goes there. Poor people like you cannot go there.

What is ndi ji ego?

Ndi ji ego is rich people who have built mansions and have patronized the whore houses.

That is cheating on your wife. Don't you know that?

How about you? Don't you cheat?

I don't have to cheat. But anyway, what do you think about the forthcoming elections?

None of my business. All I want is more contracts and the things I do on the road for my PI office runs.

Thank you, sir, it's a pleasure having you!

Moral to this story: A clueless and disorganized bunch